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A lot of people are very competitive when playing stupid.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"