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I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
This is a lousy dating site.
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.