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I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
I put the hot in psychotic.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.