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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."