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I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.