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Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”