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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.