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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.