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Pizza is my favorite winter activity
I drink to make other people interesting
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them