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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
This is a lousy dating site.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.