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condoms prevent minivans
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.