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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?
Did we try giving the government a snickers?
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.