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My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.