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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?