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There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
I have a black belt in leather
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point