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During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
never tell a lie...unless it is true
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you