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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.