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Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
Where is the "Made In China" labels made?
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.