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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
I’d slap you but I’m pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......