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I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
Iām moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.