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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.