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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.