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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.