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When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.