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I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.