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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....