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It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.