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I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.