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We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
and alcohol are now friends.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.