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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.