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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?