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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.