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If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........