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I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
life is too short to match socks
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her