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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
Velcro, what a rip-off!
Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
I dream about naps.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem