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I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point