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Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.