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I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.