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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.