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Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.