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I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying