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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
why does a round pizza comes in a square box?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
I grew up for this?
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.