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I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session