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Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.