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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!