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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
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I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.