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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."