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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.