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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?