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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
I’m tired of things costing money.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.