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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.