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When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red