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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.