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How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
"May the 4th" be with you!
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.