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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
I saw that! - Karma
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
It should really be called teethpaste.
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it