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It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.