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You cant ask "What do you mean by that?" without sounding pissed off
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.