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I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.