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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.