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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
We think therefore we must be, but are we?
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!