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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"