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If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.