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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.