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You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.