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Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.