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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
All milk is breast milk.
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.