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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.