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I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
The problem with diets is pizza.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "