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I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
why me is me ?
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
Don`t get out of bed, it`s a trap.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.