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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
I drink to make other people interesting.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything?
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.