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People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance daddy.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.