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I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.