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Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.