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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
only fights if pillows are present.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?