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My favorite part of the day? The food part.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.