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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.