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I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.