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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.