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I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
When in doubt, take a nap.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.