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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.