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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.