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How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy