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Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...