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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.