Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(