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Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.