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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face